Elizabeth (sistinas) wrote,
Elizabeth
sistinas

there is a light that never goes out.....

I feel so numb right now and am doing my best to hold together with the help of friends.

Talk about the worst of bad timing...I left work a bit early Thursday to drive to the airport and then RIGHT as I was boarding the plane my cell phone went off...it was a nurse from the hospital calling me to tell me that "Judy's condition was not survivable"...jeez what a crazy euphamism, I had to flat out ask "do you mean she's dead" and she told me she was. I lost it & started crying and said I didn't know what to do, I was just about to get on a plane...the nurse insisted "GET ON THE PLANE. There is nothing you can do here." So I did...its better to try and keep moving than just sit at home depressed and I figured I was better off surrounded by friends.

I cried the entire flight & kept listening to Marilyn Manson's Mechanical Animals CD over & over on my iPod...its weird to associate music with death but I remember listening to that album nonstop on my way to Carrie's funeral after her suicide (partly as she's mentioned there..."Mother Mary, Miss Carrie" in Great Big White World), plus of course Judy was such a huge Manson fan & I kept thinking of those many years of roadtripping to shows. Then I just hit this point where nothing felt real anymore, and now I just feel numb.

There are so many things I'll never get to tell her. She'll never get a chance to use the Nikon D70 I gave her when I bought my D200 even tho she'd really wanted a DSLR for years. Today is her birthday and I won't be able to give her a new iPod like I planned. I've lost my best friend of 20 years, my confidant, the only person I really felt I could talk to about my feelings, the one who told me I wasn't crazy no matter what nutty idea I came up with and if anything only encouraged me to jump off cliffs, the one who came with me to the movies, shopping, going out to lunch on Saturday afternoons, the one I could email weird stories I found in the news at work to. Now I'm terrified of the void, nothing scares me more than being alone. Paula is the only family I have left.

I always thought I'd be the one to go first from some crazy asthma attack or bout of pnumeonia, I planned to leave her & Paula everything & kept telling them they'd be rich when I croaked due to my investments & insurance & to make sure to go thru everything carefully since some of those old Misfits posters are worth five grand each. Now I have to re-write my beneficiaries.

And as bad as the pain I feel is, I know it is that much worse for Paula and I'll have to do my damndest to help her through this.

I can't even sleep...I got in last night at nearly 4 AM & crashed out until maybe 6 and then just lay there listening to my heart pound & going all Edgar Allen Poe on me. I don't think kindly of hearts these days. Maybe this is what an anxiety attack feels like?

I'm glad I got on the plane though, I am better off surrounded by friends & trying to keep busy than sitting at home now. It's going to be hard to walk back in there as everything will remind me of her.
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