Elizabeth (sistinas) wrote,
Elizabeth
sistinas

  • Mood:

Fuck Verizon round two.

So less than a month ago I ditch the Verizon DSL for cable when the idjits are unable to give me a time frame for repair.

And NOW the landline phone (thru Verizon) doesn't ring. You can make outgoing calls just fine but nothing comes in. At first I thought the phone was broke so I hustled off to Best Buy & bought another. Plug it in, call it from the cell phone and hear...silence.

Calls into their tech line are getting me nowhere - they can't seem to decide if a technician is coming out or not. It may be fixed Thurs or Friday or it may not. I am hesitant to let a technician in the door as they can't tell me upfropnt if it will cost me for repairs or not as that seems to depend who they deem at fault. Meanwhile I don't want to pay to rewire an apartment building I don't own. I am very tempted ditch the land line & get another cell phone & transfer the existing # to it & go totally wireless.

So meanwhile if you are trying to call me please do so on the cell & not the house phone or you'll just hear ringing on your end & I'll not hear a damn thing.

More frustration. Last week I was so happy when I *THOUGHT* I'd found a new book by Fran Lebowitz on Amazon, a book of memoirs called "Notes from A Broad". So it arrived today & unfortunately it is *NOT* by the humorist who penned two of my all time favorite books of social commentary, "Metropolitan Life" and "Social Studies" (now collected in one volume as The Fran Lebowitz Reader but by some other woman (also from New York) by that name.

Fuck. And here I'd gotten all excited & was hoping Fran's decades long writer's block had cleared. Seriously she is one of the funniest authors I've ever had the pleasure to read - in quotability she is up there next to Oscar Wilde.

For those of you unfamiliar with her work here are some great bon mots:


All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.

I must take issue with the term 'a mere child,' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.

I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail.

Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep.

My favorite animal is steak.

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

Special-interest publications should realize that if they are attracting enough advertising and readers to make a profit, the interest is not so special.

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

Being a woman is of special interest to aspiring male transexuals. To actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies.

Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

Children ask better questions than adults. "May I have a cookie?" "Why is the sky blue?" and "What does a cow say?" are far more likely to elicit a cheerful response than "Where's your manuscript?" Why haven't you called?" and "Who's your lawyer?"

Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.

Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens.

Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them.

Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.

Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.

Polite conversation is rarely either.

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive.

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.

Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.

You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do.

You're only has good as your last haircut.

I do not believe in God. I believe in cashmere.



I am drowning my sorrows in a suitable replacement, The Portable Dorothy Parker
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